The term custody mediation can encompass a few different paths that all have the same goal: resolving custody on your own terms and not being told what your custody situation will be by a Judge.  At Triangle Smart Divorce, we prefer, when possible, for custody to be resolved outside of a Courtroom.   

Why? Because we don’t think it’s SMART to hand over one of your most important responsibilities—deciding how to parent your children and where they should live—to a complete stranger who has never met you or your children. 

Can a stranger know better than the parents what is best for the children?  Usually, not.  But, sometimes, yes.  If there are mental health issues, personality disorders, substance abuse issues, relocation issues, domestic violence, perception differences, and other issues which can cloud judgment or cause emotional biases, then it may be that a Judge can have a clearer view on what is best for your children.   

Before you put your children’s future in the hands of the Court though, consider custody mediation if you and the other parent cannot reach a custody agreement.  How mediation works depends on whether you have Court-ordered mediation OR private mediation (or sometimes both).  
 

Two Types of Custody Mediation in North Carolina 

In North Carolina, there are two distinct types of custody mediation you might have heard of: 

  • Court-ordered mediation – ONLY required a custody lawsuit as been filed in North Carolina. 
  • Private mediation – Using a private mediator (often an attorney) whether you have filed a custody lawsuit or not.
     

What to expect at Court-ordered mediation for custody? 

If you or the other parent has filed a lawsuit for custody, you are required to attend Court-ordered mediation in North Carolina (with very few limited exceptions).  

Court-ordered mediation follows three essential steps:: 

  1. You and the other parent will both attend mediation orientation. After a custody lawsuit is filed, you should have received a date for virtual orientation. If you did not and you are the person who filed, you should contact the Court to see what still needs to be done. Orientation is a virtual class that helps you understand the process and explains the benefits of mediation. 
  1. Once orientation is completed, you should receive a date for your individual mediation session. Many counties host the mediation virtually, but you should refer to your instruction sheet to know when and where to be. You and the other parent will work with a mediator to see if you have any common ground. If you find some, the mediator will create a draft Parenting Agreement.Important note: Your Court-ordered mediator likely isn’t an attorney, and even if they are, they won’t be acting as one. They won’t represent you or give legal advice. They can, however, offer practical advice and share opinions based on experience. For Court-ordered mediation, neither parent can have an attorney or anyone else present, and children aren’t allowed to attend. 
  1. If you are successful in mediation, copies of the draft Parenting Agreement will be sent to both parents and their attorneys. We believe it’s a SMART decision to hire an attorney to review the draft Parenting Agreement for missing terms, inconsistencies, impracticalities, and alignment with what you understood the agreement to be in mediation. Don’t sign until you’re comfortable with the resolution.That doesn’t always mean you got everything you were looking for, but it does mean that you were able to resolve custody without Court-involvement and were able to maintain some control over the decisions affecting your custodial rights and time.  If there are concerns with the draft Parenting Agreement, you will have the ability to not sign or to keep negotiating.  

 If Court-ordered mediation is unsuccessful, you will proceed with your next scheduled Court date and let a Judge decide not only who gets to make major and day-to-day decisions about your children, but also where they will live, when they visit with whom for holidays, and what rules and restrictions are in place on your as a parent or your parenting time. 

What to expect at private mediation for custody? 

Many parents choose private mediation for custody regardless of whether a lawsuit has been filed. Private mediation is separate from Court-ordered mediation and offers different benefits: 

  • You can attend with your attorney. The typical set up for private mediation is you and your attorney in one room, the other parent and their attorney in another room, and a trained mediator (usually an attorney) going back and forth between the rooms with proposals and counterproposals.
  • You have access to private mediation before a lawsuit is ever filed. Many parents resolve their cases without ever getting the Courts involved. 
  • You can handle all the issues of your case at once. Court-ordered mediation can only address the custodial aspect of your case. Many parents also need to address child support, spousal support, property division, or other issues that come with the end of the relationship. Private mediation can be a one-stop shop for those issues.  
  • Private mediation involves costs—but offers advantages. You’ll pay the mediator (usually half the total fee) and your attorney (if you have one), plus invest your time.  However, private mediation can really dig into some of the impediments to settlement as you can have longer sessions than free Court-ordered mediation allows for.  Also, you can have multiple private mediation sessions.  We’ve seen many cases settle later in private mediation that had unsuccessful Court-ordered mediations. 

While no solution is perfect or one-size-fits-all, hiring an attorney and planning for a day or two of private mediation is that alternative option to Court which many families want, and frankly need, to have a better resolution. 

How to Navigate Child Custody Mediation in North Carolina

 Now that you understand the basics of both Court-ordered and private mediation processes in North Carolina, let’s address a question we hear frequently: “How do I get the best result for my kids?” Some people say this a bit differently: “How to I win? How do I get what I want?”

Redefining “Winning” in Mediation

Many parents going through a separation in North Carolina find themselves facing custody mediation and wondering how to come out with the best results.  We must throw the concept of “winning” out the door.  No one truly wins when you go from being able to see your kids every day to a new normal where you longer have them with you all the time.   

Your children may have a better future if you are no longer in a bad relationship, but they also have to navigate a new routine and adapt.   

We know this—parts of separation suck.  No matter how drama-free your separation is, some pieces of it are hard and tough.  Some pieces affect some of those involved more than others and some in different ways than in others.   

We get it.  A custody resolution, whether agreed upon or Court-ordered, affects you, your children, and your family for years to come.  “Winning” mediation must be reframed as walking away from the negotiating table with an agreement both parents can accept which prioritizes the things that matter most to you.

Keeping Control of Your Family’s Future

At the forefront, “winning” mediation means that you successfully kept the decisions in the hands of the parents and not the hands of a North Carolina Judge. 

While there are many exceptional Judges in North Carolina who help resolve custodial issues, at the end of the day, those Judges are essentially strangers who will have a limited amount of time to understand the issues you live with every day and who will not have the same insight or flexibility to custom tailor an agreement to your specifications.  Nor have they met your children, and they can’t truly know what’s in their “best interests” no matter what authority the General Statutes give them.   

At the end of the day, a Court-ordered custody decision is that Judge’s opinion that day based on the evidence presented and the demeanor of the witnesses, as well as their opinion as to who is more believable on each issue presented.  Ultimately, what one stranger decides is best for your children is what is ordered no matter what you could have or should have agreed upon with the other parent.

Preparation Is Key to Success 

To “win” mediation in North Carolina, you should have spent some time thinking through the issues – big things like health, education, mental and physical well-being, custody schedules, holidays, as well as more nuanced things like communication, record-keeping/exchanging, and family dynamics. 

You should write down a list of what you want to include and exclude. And you should place values on these things to decide in advance what is non-negotiable and what is up for discussion. An experienced custody lawyer can help here because they will know what is feasible under the law, what your assigned Judge is more likely than not to do (in most cases), and what will be “a hill worth dying on” once they understand your values, your hopes, and your concerns.   

A great attorney will ask you to consider if your “lines in the sand” are reactionary or proactive, based on mostly emotion or in logic, and if you have considered the long-term effects drawing those lines.  Lines must be drawn sometimes, but your lawyer should challenge you to make sure the line isn’t arbitrary or outside anything that could be ordered in Court. 

Children at the Center 

“Winning” mediation in North Carolina means keeping the most essential people—your children—at the heart of the process. You might not always feel like you are winning and might find that you are prepared to make concessions you never thought you would make, but at the end of the day many North Carolina families benefit from putting in the hard work and giving the process serious effort to come up with a better alternative than an expensive, drawn out custody battle. That is a win for everyone involved.   

We have seen many co-parenting relationships destroyed by knockdown, drag out custody fights, where no quarter is given, no punches are pulled, and no holds are barred.  Make no mistake, Triangle Smart Divorce will fight for your rights if a reasonable settlement cannot be reached.  We just feel that, in most cases, the co-parenting relationship should be preserved before jumping right into Court.  That Smart Approach leads to less drama, less stress, and less adjustment issues for everyone—so that everyone can get to a happier chapter in their lives sooner. 

How Triangle Smart Divorce Handles Custody Mediation Differently 

At Triangle Smart Divorce, we believe that custody agreements should prioritize the well-being of your children while making sure both parents have a resolution that they accept and are in alignment with.  Our Team asks lots of questions about what you want and why while working closely with you to keep the children at the forefront of the negotiations, focusing on creating reasonable agreement that minimizes conflict and prevents future issues. 

If you have questions about child custody or mediation, our experienced Team at Triangle Smart Divorce is here to help. Contact us today to learn more about how we can help you reach a custody agreement that’s sound and maintainable.