Chapter 4: Dating Apps 101

Tips for Dating Apps

You do not need to be on ALL the apps. I will repeat this because it is a common mistake: do not be on every dating app you can find. This will lead to being overwhelmed, confused, and probably burnt out from the online dating scene pretty quickly. Pick one or two to use at a time. With the big players, it is very common to see the same people on different apps, especially if you have a small location limit set, so you don’t need to worry about missing out on someone!

Speaking of location, let’s talk about that. Every single app I mentioned above is going to show you matches that live in your location. Many apps have a max distance of 100 miles from your set location, though some will let you look at people outside your location with paid features.

If you are looking for a serious match, pick a distance in which you would be comfortable driving to meet someone. For example, in the Triangle NC area, if you live in Raleigh, you could set it to 10 miles to only reach people who live in Raleigh proper. If you upped it to 25-30 miles, you could hit people in all the surrounding cities, including Durham, Cary, Chapel Hill, and more. If you’re willing to go a little bit further to get more matches, up the distance. Play around with the distance filter to find the right settings for you and your lifestyle.

Age is the other primary filter on every single dating app. You need to tell the app a range of ages you’d be interested in dating. I’ve seen clients get very caught up in the specific age range they want to set. They get worried about setting it too young or too old. The most common mistake I see is setting a very small age range because of some unfounded beliefs about what is “age appropriate.” Consider setting, at minimum, a 5-year age range, and then up that as you feel comfortable. You never know, you could find your perfect match just one year older or younger than you thought!

One last thing to address before we get into more details about your profile: pay for play. Most apps are going to have a free version that everyone can use. This is because they want more users on the app so they can make more matches and keep people using their services. That being said, as you can see from the six we talked about above, almost all the apps will also have paid versions. I have many clients who assume that if someone is paying for a dating app, they will take it more seriously, but I have not found that to be necessarily true. I would start every app with the free trial, see who is on there and how you like it, and then consider paying for the upgraded version if you think it’s worth it. This is one of the only places where the saying “you get what you pay for” might not ring true.

How do I fill out my online dating profile?

We’ve gone over the apps, maybe you’ve picked one or two you want to get on, and now you have to build your profile.

Starting on Tinder is going to give you an understanding of the bare bones of what a profile needs. They only require one photo, name, and age, whereas other apps require a little more work upfront. Each app is going to have a few nuisances, but there are basic dos and don’ts that can be applied to every app, and that’s what I’m going to hit below.

Step 1: Pictures

First, let’s go over pictures, which many consider the hardest part of building an online dating profile. I will go over the technical aspects of pictures, but as we all know, pictures are emotional. To really understand the impact of crafting your image and how that affects online dating,I highly suggest you watch our video with Lee Hayward or read her chapter.

Let’s get into it. You must have photos! Please don’t put up a profile without a picture. As much as it sucks, the reality is that online dating is based on looks, and you need pictures to get a real match. While the minimum number of photos I let clients have is three, five to six is the sweet spot. It lets you show off your personality without overdoing it…and yes, too many photos is a bad thing on dating apps.

There are a ton of articles and studies on what photos get you more matches, but in the end, the photos that are going to get you quality matches are photos that tell the story of who you are. If you have hobbies, a pet, or anything that is important to you, use a photo of that! Again, don’t overdo it; you don’t want to become the stereotypical profile that only has pictures of you fishing or only of your truck (if you are seeking men, you will see a ton of profiles like this).

You want vibrant, quality photos. Nothing that is blurry or dark or where you’re blocking your body or face. Don’t use heavily filtered photos or photos where you’re not even included. Selfies are fine, but only one or two. You should be the main focus of all photos; do not have all group photos where potential matches can’t figure out which one you are.

With photos, moderation and variety are key. If you think your photos aren’t working for you, ask a friend to take a new photo of you when you’re out at dinner, or ask your family to take a photo of you at the holiday dinner table. Test photos out and see which ones get comments from matches. Use that data to continue crafting a better profile. You don’t know what works for you until you try!

Step 2: Bio

Okay so we’ve got the photos down, but what about your bio? Just like photos, the number one piece of advice I can give you is to have a bio! According to Lucille McCart, the Communications Director for Bumble Australia, people with a bio get 32% more matches than people who do not have one. Not only that, but the matches are going to be of higher quality because they understand your personality better before swiping. A good bio is also a great way to make up for a lack of photos!

Unlike photos, I can’t give you a hard number for the minimum or maximum length of your bio. Some of the best bios I’ve seen are two sentences, while others are a full paragraph. You should not share your entire life story. If you are over five or six sentences, it’s probably too much. On the other hand, don’t just have something short that means nothing, like “I love to laugh,” “ask me anything,” or “dog mom/dad.” You need something that people will actually read, that will differentiate you from everyone else on the app, and that gives a little insight into who you are.

A good bio gives 3-4 interesting tidbits about you, whether that is in one sentence or four bullet points with emojis is up to you. You can make it funny or serious, but just like your photos, make sure it represents you and will attract the matches you want.

A great strategy that does not require a lot of thinking is doing two truths and a lie. You can also give a few details about yourself and end with asking people to answer a “this or that” question or “what is your favorite (fill in the blank).” These give people something to respond to as well as insight into your interests.

Let’s expand on some of the dos and don’ts above so you can understand how to craft a good bio.

• DON’T: “Love to laugh”

  Everyone loves to laugh; this does not tell anyone anything about you. Change this to “will always laugh at [fill in blank with tv show, movie, or certain comedian name],” or “tell me your favorite joke of all time.” If humor is a big part of your personality, expand on that!

• DON’T: “Ask me anything”

  If you don’t give people specifics about what to ask, they won’t ask anything. You could say, “ask me about the time I got lost in [vacation destination],” or “ask me about the time I met [fill in famous person],” or even “ask me about when I [insert cool thing you did].” This will spike curiosity in others and lead to a lot more conversations.

• DON’T: “Dog mom/dad”

  I am not hating on people who love their pets; I get it! But you can make it so much more interesting and fun by saying something like, “looking for someone who can throw a tennis ball further than me so my dog can get some more exercise,” or “tell me the best spot to get a drink with my dog,” or even, “trying to find a girlfriend for my dog, please send photos of all applicants (yes, I do just want dog photos).” Just add some details and make sure people can message you about it!

• DON’T: Overused Phrases

  For the love of everything please do not put “looking for someone who doesn’t take themselves too seriously.” There are a handful of bios that you see over and over – using the same lines will hurt you rather than help you. A simple Google search will let you know what these are. Avoid them.

• DO: Two truths and a lie

  If you are not familiar with this common icebreaker, it involves writing two interesting truths about you and then a made-up fact, the lie. The goal is for the other people to guess the lie. It’s an easy way to make a bio because you can use all of it to let people know more about you, and it creates easy tidbits for people to message you about. For example, one client I have has her truths being that she has won 3 Simon Says contests and went to every college basketball game during her four years in college. You can see how these two would start conversations. Her lie is that her favorite place she’s visited is Morocco. While she hasn’t been there, it is her number one bucket list destination, and she is able to start conversations about this when people find out the lie!

• DO: “This or that” or [fill in the blank]

  If you just can’t figure out what to put in the bio, keep it simple. If you’re interested in craft beer, have “tell me about your favorite beer” in your bio. Do you love being active? Ask people where their favorite local hiking or biking trail is. If that’s too much, you can even ask “this or that” questions, like “beach or mountains “or“ tv shows or movies”; anything that someone could respond to and have opinions on is great!

Step 3: Personality Questions

Now that you’ve got a bio, let’s go over personality questions. Like Match and eHarmony, some apps will ask you predetermined questions you need to answer. Some are as easy as “are you a morning or night person?” While others are deeper, such as “do you believe in the afterlife?” The best advice I can give you here is to answer them as honestly as possible, even if you don’t like the answer. And make sure you take these into consideration when looking at others’ profiles, as it can lead to a better match or at least a way to start a conversation.

Step 4: Filters

Lastly, you need to understand filters and how to use them appropriately on dating apps. Some dating apps have categories that can be used to filter people based on things other than just age and location. For example, Hinge lets you filter by height, religion, political affiliation, smoking status, drinking status, family plans, and what type of relationship you are looking for. Apps like OkCupid let you filter by even more unique categories, such as zodiac signs and if you like watching movies with subtitles.

You can use these however you wish, but before setting any filters on dating apps, you really need to evaluate your preferences and deal breakers. Preferences are qualities you’d like but don’t necessarily need in a partner, while dealbreakers are qualities absolutely necessary for you to have in a partner. This is more challenging than you think, though. It’s easy to imagine your perfect partner, but it’s much harder to figure out what would make you not even consider this otherwise “perfect” person. For example, are you a recovering alcoholic and can’t date someone who drinks? Are you religious and need someone who matches your same religious beliefs, or can you be flexible with this if they are open to learning more? What about political affiliation? The minute you put in a filter, you eliminate a ton of potential matches. My best advice is to use them sparingly and only after a good amount of thought on whether something is truly a dealbreaker for you.

In the end, your dating profile is your chance to make a good impression, so make sure it accurately reflects who you are. Be honest about your age, relationship status, interests, and what you’re looking for in a partner. Don’t be afraid to show your personality in your profile, as it can help attract like-minded individuals.

How do I stay safe on dating apps?

We always want to believe the best in people, but like anything done over the internet, you need to take precautions to stay safe. This is not meant to scare you, as the large majority of your matches will really just be regular people looking for a relationship. Still, there are things to look out for. On all dating apps, there are fake profiles that are bots, catfish, and people who are trying to get your money. So how do you stay safe?

Use a fake email or phone number

Many dating apps connect to your social media profiles, but if you don’t want to do this, or you just don’t want all these platforms having your email, create a new email just for dating apps.

It is also pretty easy to create a Google number that you can use just like a regular phone number. If you are really worried about giving your number to people on the internet, creating a new number gives you some privacy and protection if something does go wrong.

Google

Google, as I’m sure you know, is amazing. It is now easier than ever to look into people by knowing just a little bit of information about them. Obviously, it is going to be easier to search your matches if you know their last name, but even if you just know their first name, job, location, and age, you can usually at least figure out if they are real. If you really want to do a thorough check on people you meet, you can purchase a membership to an online people search, where you use their phone number or email to find more information about them. The ones I’ve used in the past are PeopleFinders and BeenVerified, but there are a lot out there. If you’re not savvy online, enlist a friend or family member who is good at it.

I’ve done it for my friends and I’m sure you have someone in your life who would be willing to help you out too!

Request a facetime or video chat before meeting in person

You got their number, chatted online for a while, moved to text, and now you want to meet in person. The number one tip I can give you for feeling secure before meeting in person is to ask for a 10-20 minute video call before the date. This will give you peace of mind that the person you are meeting is actually who they say they are. It also becomes an amazing way to figure out if you really want to put time, effort, and money into meeting this person. While video chats became big during COVID, they remain an excellent tool to use on your online dating journey.

These are some telltale signs of a fake profile. While this doesn’t mean every profile you find that has these are truly fake, if a profile you come across matches anything below, make sure to stay alert to any suspicious behavior:

• Only 1 photo or multiple photos that are highly filtered, professional, or blurry Photos that have URLs in them or sending you messages with URLs right away.
• No bio
• They start conversations, but their responses seem off or don’t really make sense.
• They reply to your messages super-fast, faster than someone could realistically type.
• They want to meet up right away or ask for your phone number before exchanging a few messages.

TRUST YOUR GUT! While there is a ton you can do to protect yourself online, the number one thing you can do is trust your gut. If something seems off, it probably is. It is better to be safe than sorry. Unmatch people right away if you sense something is off.